Dating someone new and gave him a sword, a bottle of 15yo whisky and some home cooked food. Have you ever gift wrapped a sword? Harder than it looks my friend, also, I bloody hate crafting, basically the sign of affection wasn't the presents, it was THAT I WRAPPED THEM. And like, wrote NEATLY in the card. I'm a homeschooler and my handwriting is stuck in the year I left school which was grade 3. EFFORT, so much effort to write neatly. Anyhow, he broke up with me the next date*. Now I can say that giving a man scotch, a sword and some home made food is bad luck from experience and get my next date to curse the sudden influx of kawaii penis stickers or penguin classics or whatever. There is no way this can go wrong. *Not because of the presents**. **Although maybe I should tone down the love bombing, hard to tell, I mean, what if we date for like a month and then I unleash the love bombing and then they're all like "NOOOO, NOT SUPER AFFECTION TO MY FACE" and then break up with me and then I'll have wasted a month. So anyway, there are like, 5 love languages (service, gifts, words, touch, and spending "quality time" together) and I'm enthusiastically fluent in all of them when I'm not being an introverted yeti beast. Weebly was all "I can't show this post unless there is a picture" so here is a badly edited selfie of me tryiing to look moody and like I have a strong jawline.
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What's weird is that I'm not even in the preferred demographic of male okc users (women between 20-23). Anyhow, I get a lot of messages and since I post them on fb I thought I should maybe also post them here. I AM NOT ALONE, as I told the guy who was upset I posted this conversations. This guy was amazing to hang out with but then had an anxiety attack which I'm now sensing is a theme with guys I date. #awkward
So I like having a glass of wine in the afternoon. And the morning. Even though I have a weirdly low tolerance for alcohol. Anyway, I was having some wine and I was on the internet which is how Orklesque happened but instead of starting up an orc themed burlesque show (it happened for realsies at the an actual fancy venue) I ordered a spanking skirt and fishnet everything and fake lashes (with and without rhinestones) and then promptly forgot about everything except my ecig stuff which arrived in time for my clearomiser to be smashed by invisible malignant forces. Oh, and I ordered ecig stuff. So when I remembered I was going to check what I ordered and then I realised that this. was. The. Best. Thing. Ever! Because I got random presents in the mail! LOOK AT ALL OF THE LEG ACCOUTREMENTS ABOVE! Look at them! Then I got a spanking skirt which I remembered enough to be all "WOAH! XXXL! That'll fit me and then I CAN MOON PEOPLE" but then I realised as someone who is not super kinky that was a ridiculous idea and also it didn't fit. QUE TRYING TO FIND A NEW HOME! It turns out that I know a whole bunch of people who don't think it's weird that I'm trying to get rid of an ass-less skirt.
LESSON OF THIS: Getting foxed on and going on aliexpress results in exciting presents and proof that my human friends are rad. I'm pretty sure that my teeth are going yellow at an unexpected rate. I've already had one failed root canel (did you know that anesthetic can travel through the facial muscles to your eyeball? And if you can't feel your eye you can't control it and it goes all rogue and rolls around everywhere?), an abscessed tooth, another root canal and many, many fillings.
But this yellowing is horrible. I keep waiting for someone to comment that I've eaten their highlighter. |
AuthorHannah Anthonia: Archives
August 2018
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