Why Bisexual Women Don't Like Unicorn Hunters AKA The List Of Expectations And Depressing Statistics
Ok, so there seems to be a lot of confusion about what unicorn hunting is and misunderstandings as to why bi/pan ladies don't like couples and I have some resources to help because reading is fun, empathy builds character, spreading knowledge is virtuous and getting rid of misconceptions is good.
⦁ There is *nothing* inherently wrong with triads, threesomes, polyfidelity or couples that date together-being against unicorn hunting does not mean hating/disliking those things. It means being against unicorn hunting, if you’re confused read on!
⦁ Kinks are great, unnegotiated/coerced/non-consensual power imbalances are not great.
⦁ Everyone is entitled to have preferences but a preference for something does not give somebody a right to what they prefer.
⦁ Unicorn hunters can and do target bi men and straight women but I'll be focusing on the common MFF seeking here.
⦁ I will be using sources primarily from Australia, the UK and the US, anecdotal as well as personal experience and submissions to online groups.
To start let us go over who Unicorn Hunters are targeting.
How are bisexual women different to straight women and lesbians, other than the obvious? And why are they so tetchy?
What Is A Unicorn Hunter?
There is a difference between a couple that dates or swings together and what I and many other bi/pan ladies call a "unicorn hunter", even if both groups are interested in dating or having sex with bisexual women. Unicorn hunters have a few trademarked behaviors/expectations/patterns and here are some of the specific ones that cause a lot of upset to bisexual women.
They can by a “polyam” couple or a swinging couple or a couple that is just looking for a one night stand. What matters how they view bisexual women as essentially disposable sex and/or emotional support and/or relationship saving devices instead of human beings.
Unicorn hunters might not do everything on this list but they usually do at least 2 or 3 of them:
So, to recap! According to unicorn hunters bisexual women should be:
Unicorn hunters might not do everything on this list but they usually do at least 2 or 3 of them.
Bisexual Women And Community Responses
All too often when bisexual women speak up and say “unicorn hunters make me uncomfortable” or “I don’t feel safe in a community that supports unicorn hunting” bystanders will rush in to defend unicorn hunting feeling it to be an attack on all couples who date or play together. This is even though if a woman had posted “ugh, creeps are the worst” no one would rush in to defend all cis straight men even though most creeps are cishet men. Creeps are usually cis hetrosexual men who do certain things or act in certain ways to justify the moniker. So do unicorn hunters.
People who defend unicorn hunters likely haven’t been on the receiving end of unicorn hunters’ attentions but feel confident in declaring that nothing is wrong with them. I have. When I work at cabaret shows roving and going out to bars, it’s not unusual for women to grab me, touch my breasts or motor boat me without permission in front of their male partner, thinking it’s ok because we’re both women, instead of it being sexual assault. Or I’ll have a random kiss at the bar only to discover she’s staring at her male partner. I have received vile offers for threesomes, creepy messages and women who lie about being single on dating websites.
Those are unicorn hunters.
I have been approached by friends and declined; and approached by friends and said yes, depending on how I feel. Those are couples who date and play together. There is a difference.
I started this by going over a few statistics about bisexual women because I want it to be quite clear that when people defend unicorn hunting they are signaling to a demographic that is at higher risk of sexual harassment, stalking, domestic abuse, and sexual assault (among many other things) that THEY SHOULDN’T COMPLAIN, that by virtue of their sexuality it’s ok to objectify them, harass them and engage in other predatory behavior and that if a bisexual woman speaks up, as a member of the vulnerable group being targeted then she, SHE is the bully.
Bisexual women deserve safe, supportive communities and should be empowered to speak up when people are engaging in dehumanising and unethical behavior.
Bisexual Women And Frustration
Bisexual women face a lot of hurdles, from increased likelihood of mental illness, suicidal ideation and stigma, to dating. "According to a National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Study, “61% of bisexual women reported experiencing rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner at some point in their lifetime.” Comparatively, 17% of straight women and 13% of lesbians have experience one of the above.” Just in case you forgot.
Women on the whole receive more rape and death threats online than men,”Researchers found that women received twice as many death threats and threats of sexual violence as men.” Add in being openly bisexual and it can only get worse.
Frequently in addition to being expected to bear all of that, they’re expected to do so with good grace.There is an expectation of emotional labor on bisexual women to calmly and thoughtfully explain and educate why sexualising, fetishing and literally “hunting” them is upsetting.
That to be angry, cranky, upset, snarky, sad, depressed at how they are treated is to be hysterical and that unless they are unfailingly cheerful, empathic, forgiving and nice then any argument they make is in invalid.
Bisexual women’s voices in discussions about them frequently seem to be discounted because they are upset and while calm arguments tend to be the most persuasive, that doesn’t make their opinions, feelings and experiences baseless or irrational.
Sidenote on Polyamorous Communities
“As a queer person who identifies mostly as bisexual, I’ve often felt like I don’t belong in either LGBTQIA-designated or straight spaces.” is a quote that resonates with me, and as a bisexual woman I sometimes feel polyamorous spaces aren’t for me either because the communities frequently do not just tolerate but support people who see nothing wrong with fetishing, dehumanising and objectifying bisexual women.
There are worksheets for couples: https://polypretzels.wordpress.com/category/polyamory/couplepolypitfalls/
Relationship Bill of Rights:
Guide for people interested in dating a couple in a healthy way!
Help, editing, ideas, rephrasing from:
Relationship problems from bisexual objectifaction from husbands