or the best way for your boyfriend to meet your dadJust to anchor why I'm writing about it I was telling someone and she was like "that's not funny, that's terrible" and then I felt like maybe I am a terrible human being. Also, she had a tattoo gun in her hand so I didn't elaborate in case she tattooed "monster" on some public part of my anatomy and then I'd have to lie to people have having a really big penis. Which would still be better than explaining that I laughed at my brothers funeral like it was bad thing*. So, on the way to my brothers funeral I was talking to Joefie since he was driving and also my boyfriend and I was and am quite fond of talking to him. The conversation went like this: Me: "We're going to the place where they BURN PEOPLE" Joe: "Don't say that" Me: "But they do, they BURN PEOPLE there" Joe: "I know but don't say that. It's rude" Me: "But they do, they do BURN PEOPLE there" Joe: "HANNAH DON'T SAY THAT" Me: "......" Joe: "Hannah...." Me: "WE ARE GOING TO THE PLACE WHERE THEY BURN PEOPLE" Joe: "Hannah, I know but we have to be calm and respectful while we're-" Me: "Oh look my dad!" Joe: "What?" Me: "You can almost see where he should be if you stop reversing" Joe: "WHY IS YOUR DAD BEHIND THE CAR I ALMOST RAN HIM OVER AT HIS SONS FUNERAL" Me: "Because I waved at him. While we're at the place where they BURN PEOPLE" We get out of the car and Joefie for some reason is flustered for some reason (possibly because he's has some weird reaction to crematoriums where you're not allowed to describe their function like they're Voldemort and he's a wizard even though, it must be said, it is the place where they burn people). So Joe is hovering and being all "I am so sorry" and dad (looking like an extra from Foyles War in an overcoat) is all "Darling! You almost ran me over!" and I was all "DADDY! This is the man I love who I'm dating and who totally didn't mean to almost run you over at your sons funeral" then Joe was like "I AM SO SORRY" while also trying to channel as much respectful calmness as possible for someone whose just been driving a mad woman around before almost strawberry jamming the father of the woman he loves but failing ADORABLY.w My dad waved it off and was like "nah, actually this would be the BEST place to cark like, you could just walk in and ask for a big pizza thing and be like 'we got another one' because this is the place where they BURN PEOPLE". Welcome to the family, we like clothes, terrible jokes and get over possible murder attempts really quickly. *The worst thing I did was calculate that my mother was buying me shoes and Myers had imitation Bordello shoes which I couldn't afford (either real Bordello shoes or classy Myers not-bordello-only-totally-like-bordello shoes) so I ended up carrying my brothers casket in a pair of shoes I later wore onstage at a burlesque show. In other news I learnt that when people compliment your shoes it is apparently awkward to mention that you helped carry your brothers casket (WHICH WAS AMAZING AND MADE BY HIS FRIENDS) in them. Who knew? It's basically the most noteworthy thing about them given that they are not Bordello shoes and are therefore less interesting on their own. Joefie and me were together for 3 and a bit years after that, 4 in total and he's still one of the most important people in my world even if I embarass him sometimes. Clearly suitors don't need trial by fire, they need trial by PLACE WITH FIRE. Where they burn people.
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AuthorHannah Anthonia: Archives
August 2018
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